in my experience, being medicated for anxiety/depression/whatever is like—it changes from this bullshit thing sitting on your chest not letting you sit up or breathe to playing a weird game of Bullshit Thing Freeze Tag.

like, you can still SEE it, it’s THERE trying to get at you, but you have mental mobility now, and you can wait until it gets overconfident and rushes and you’ll just jump aside at the last minute like HAHA NOT TODAY FUCKER.

it’s actually weird/bothersome how little i feel the adderall now—like it still WORKS, definitely, but it’s not tangible at all?

is that just how it goes after that first adjustment period? (i had like one day of HYPERACTIVE JOY, two days of INTENSE FOCUS ON USELESS CRAP, then like four days of feeling like there were nails on a chalkboard inside my head and my teeth hurt and it was awful.)

but since then it’s been really under-the-radar. like i’m conscious of the fact that i can do like 50% more things than i could do before, and the fact that i just forget to sleep all the time reminds me that the deadly-focus-powers are still happening. but it’s not like i’m AWARE of a DIFFERENCE…it just…is?

(is that just normal if you’re taking it as-a-person-who-needs-it and not recreationally?)

and there’s the problem i always have with evaluating meds, which is like, as soon as i’m at all capable i go back to my ridiculous unhealthy lifestyle of working 24/7, eating sugar and caffeine, and never sleeping. so it becomes a constant question of “is this a problem with the medical side of things or a problem with me being a dumbass?”

(not that there’s actually a problem; i feel fine. it’s just weird that my experience doesn’t feel like it matches descriptions of People Taking Adderall? maybe i’m wrong?)

i’ve had kind of a ridiculous amount of lucky breaks in my life that all revolved around falling into Weird Situations with Weird People, when, on more traditional paths, i might have failed spectacularly.

i dodged pretty much all of elementary and middle school in favor of mostly just being allowed to read books at home. my second high school was sort of an Alternative Hippie Education thing that had started as kind of a beacon for Smart Yet Troubled Kids and over half my class was mentally ill in some regard (with most of them in a worse place at that moment than i was.)

and my college was definitely Alternative Hippie Education and i was able to just circumvent all the stuff i wouldn’t have been able to do and nobody pushed it. and at the end when i changed my whole field of study and was missing a ton of class and having to back out of almost all my projects, everybody just let it go. when i’m pretty sure i would have had to take at least an extra year to get a degree anywhere else. (which i couldn’t have afforded, so there you go.)

and i mean i’m pretty fucked up as it is. so when friends who are similar to me in some regards talk about their experiences having to go through all that stuff i just looped around i’m like how the fuck did you even get here, are you some sort of wizard?

(but my main point is that i try to be super careful not to take my Comparative Life Success as fully the result of my own work ethic/competence/etc, because there are lots of rolls-of-the-dice that could have gone differently. so if i ever start sounding like a self-satisfied Pulled Self Up By Bootstraps asshole please kick me in the face.)

well it’s 5am and i got a decent amount of shit done and i want to tpp but my computer is running so painfully slowly that trying to load the stream would possibly make it explode and/or make me set fire to things from rage.

(i literally can only have enough time or enough sleep. not both.)

i was actually AT work until maybe 10pm. and only in the last few hours have i felt CONSCIOUS and COMPETENT.

seriously wondering if i can just go to work people and be like, okay, i’m fucking nocturnal for some reason, so can i just have my embarrassing messed up schedule and know that you won’t judge me?

(all of last week was Fix Sleep Pattern Week and look i’m RIGHT BACK HERE.) 

it turns out i have now seen enough php to be able to write a small amount of php very slowly. but it’s a thing. somewhat.

there is a vague plan now (as in my boss said it can be a thing if this current possible big client works out) for my job to pay for me to take a part-time-semester-ish of web programming, as it would ultimately be cheaper than hiring an established web programmer, as they tend to be expensive.

i would be so psyched for that. though with school + work i might die. but still. 

ME TOO. mostly out of paranoia that now that it’s My internet, someone will hunt me down and revoke my internet privileges forever if they catch me.

NO I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTAND. i used to be really Morally Superior about not downloading stuff but now i’m like fuck it i’m never going to spend over a hundred dollars to own all the seasons of friends but i know i’m going to want to watch all the seasons of friends again at some point in my life.

so see i actually outgrew my morality. that’s how it’s supposed to work right..?

i have not outgrown pokemon or climbing trees or financial irresponsibility, but one thing i have outgrown is my morality about not torrenting things.

regularcelery:

whereisgrimmjow:

lol at all these people who left after Red/Crystal and are coming back for X

they are returning to a completely different environment, because they have no idea what TPP truly became

A single video game attempted to be beaten by a large community, who over the months together have become very close and gotten to know each other individually as the numbers dwindled down

There’s nothing else like it anywhere, and even if viewers go back into the thousands during X and our Red rerun, it’s the people who were there through thick and thin that are the heart of TPP.

Grinding the FireRed team in Lavender Tower until the late hours of the night, coming up with new Elite Four strategies even after 90 losses in Emerald, spending time spamming inputs against Black 2 bot attacks, getting to know each other during the personal talks of “TPP after dark”, coming together over a common goal despite our differences of opinions—moreover working together in a respectful manner, because we’ve been with each other for so long that we already know usernames by heart and associate them with personality quirks or styles of speech or even gameplay preferences. Five months ago I started working together with users, and even today we’re using new methods to talk to each other, whether it be IRC or teamspeak. And we don’t always talk just about TPP anymore.

Back during Red, I never expected TPP to be a place where I can check in at any time and be greeted by familiar names. I’ve never had Internet friends, but now I do and I’m a part of something so special. I just have so many feels

Omg, yes, this. I saw someone complaining “this isn’t the TPP that I remember” and I thought… you’re right. If you haven’t been here since Red, or even Crystal, this isn’t the TPP that you remember. It’s become a community. For those still here, TPP is far beyond the temporary nostalgia trip internet fad it started out as. For those still here, it means something. For those still here, it’s been an epic five month journey filled with every emotion you can experience. For those still here, it’s been life changing. For those still here, it’s… home.

whenever i get swamped by real life for a few days and come back to the tpp stream it feels like coming-back-to-a-kind-of-home and i don’t even care how weird that sounds.

manafromheaven:

drkarayua:

awkwardbirds:

littlereddish:

dethklokvevo:

nablayah:

idilardayacad:

maleehaisconfused:

spikefuckingjonze:

anyone else noticing a trend here?

lol
didn’t know ancient egyptians looked like mayo…

RHAMSES IM CHOKING LIKE THEY DIDNT SEE THE STATUES OR NOTHING

Ok but of course the servants and thieves are black ok i see yall

this is bullshit. no one go see this bullshit movie

i hate this movie already. i fucking hate it.



They didn’t even try.

ARE U SERIOUS

manafromheaven:

drkarayua:

awkwardbirds:

littlereddish:

dethklokvevo:

nablayah:

idilardayacad:

maleehaisconfused:

spikefuckingjonze:

anyone else noticing a trend here?

lol

didn’t know ancient egyptians looked like mayo…

RHAMSES IM CHOKING LIKE THEY DIDNT SEE THE STATUES OR NOTHING

Ok but of course the servants and thieves are black ok i see yall

this is bullshit. no one go see this bullshit movie

i hate this movie already. i fucking hate it.

They didn’t even try.

ARE U SERIOUS

(via logicsword)