accidentally stayed awake until morning again. made me think of all the nights I’d done that before, for better reasons than cleaning dust off my bookshelves. started to write you a nowhere letter in my bedside journal.

remembered that yesterday was the day you disappeared the first time. start of the radio silence. three years before yesterday. god.

and I wrote I’m sorry I can’t let myself miss you like this. and I closed the notebook. put down the pen.

(not enough. not enough. and yet I’d still give everything.)

oh, god.
oh, god.

ughhhh i dID IT i sent the quitting email. which was like a million paragraphs long because i needed to walk around all these I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T EXPECT TO BE EMOTIONAL AND GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY LOCAL JOB HERE and THIS IS PROBABLY BETTER FOR YOU ANYWAY BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TERRIBLE AT THIS circles, which were probably super unnecessary but whatever. I SENT IT. I’M SO SAD NOW. BUT IT WAS NECESSARY OR I WAS LITERALLY GOING TO DIE. LESS THAN FIVE HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT IS NOT A LASTING LIFE PLAN. 

cloroxed and scrubbed the bathroom heckyea.

want to do dishes but can’t because no rubber gloves and i do NOT HAVE ENOUGH BRAIN TO DO SENSORYTHINGS I HATE.

…so i think i should write that quitting email to jeorb#2 now. i finished all the stuff on the current to-do list and haven’t gotten any new stuff in a few days. so it might be a good time. ugh. scared. ughhhh.

omg i forgot to mention.

part of my work presentation on this “voices of treatment” project i accidentally invented included a page of bullet points about tumblr and why we should use it in our social media outreach. (i mentioned how i shared my job blogposts on here and they had an audience to whom they were relevant, and that this project (which exists to promote the values of this program, which is “treat young people struggling with addiction/mental illness like actual humans and actually involve them in their own recovery”) is something that would probably have an audience here more so than anywhere else.)

so tl;dr i may at some point in the future be getting paid to use tumblr and that is hilarious to me.

open mic was pleasant. anti-selfie-poem-guy is Officially Friend which is nice. (and he read a super good poem today that did not make me argue with him at all! ) i read a vaguely revised version of “lacus autumni” and definitely fucked it up with Complete Lack of Stage Presence but i got some compliments which was nice.

also i always have these bursts of Uber Productivity on sunday nights now because aesthetic inspiration but also they put so much espresso in their coffeedrinks. if that place was even vaguely en route to work i would spend way too much money there. 

so gonna try to clean everything and make lists of everything so next week will hopefully involve more sleep and fewer energy drinks and more hours at actual job.  

NOTE TO FUTURE SELF:

IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HATE EXISTING AND ARE GOING TO TURN INTO A SLUG AND DIE

YOU PROBABLY HAVE EITHER:

1) FORGOTTEN ABOUT MEDS.

2) FORGOTTEN ABOUT COFFEE.

3) FORGOTTEN ABOUT FOOD.

THIS HAS BEEN A PSA FROM PAST YOU. BE BETTER AT BEING ALIVE.